Christmas pain

Many times I've been told I'm pessimistic, in fact, I wasn't that way to begin.
Today is Christmas.

I looked forward to Christmas this year because I finally have somebody there for me.
Sadly, things didn't go according to plan. We only talked for a bit and parted our ways. Now, he's out and I'm here writting this blog entry. I would trade all my presents to spend time with him, sadly, that won't happen.

Another highlight of Christmas is the annual Boxing Day Sales. I asked a few people in advance if they would like to join me at the Boxing Day Sales and sadly, nobody could come. I know, I'm not cool enough. Now, I feel stupid. Correction, I am stupid.

Maybe the lesson is never try to plan outings because nobody comes when I ask.
I'm sick of being rejected and I don't have the courage to ogranise any events anymore.

The lessons I've learnt today are nobody can always be there for you and just because it's Christmas it doesn't give you immunity to pain.

Sometimes I wish I had a penis!

Girl Pains
Every month or whenever my menstrual cycle decides to kick in, I experience painful cramps.
If I was a boy, I wouldn't have cramps.

I'm a very self conscious person and I become paranoid easily.
Whenever I have my drags, every so often I will check if it has leaked and if I still concerned, I will ask friends to check.

Whenever, I have my rags, I carry more than enough pads and I wouldn't need to do this if I was a boy!


Girl's mind games

I currently attend an all girls school to my dislike.
Our school is a real life reenactment of the movie "Mean Girls".
However, unlike "Mean Girls" we have school uniform, no boys and no Queen Bee--> Thank God.
I'm sick of playing mind games. I attend school to learn and not to fall victim of vicious mind games.

I'm a strong believer of if you have something to say.. SAY IT TO MY FACE AND DON'T GO BACKSTABBING/ BITCHING ABOUT ME!

Sadly, most girls don't follow the golden rule.

Why do girls have to play mind games?
My guess is it gives them a sense of superficial superiority.
Hun, sadly it's all in your head.


For example,
Recently, I was accused of giving somebody the silent treatment.

Firstly, I can't be stuffed and I have better things to do with my time.
Secondly, that's a childish game and I only use the silent treatment on my bf when I'm mad at him and he falls every time. I love you honey!

Anyways, back on topic.
The person who accused me was my friend.
=o no surprise there, I must admit.

We're on break now and I haven't seen in since last two Fridays ago, if I remember correctly.
I can only talk to her over msn, mobile or facebook.
Whenever she signs online, she appears offline.--> as if I'm going to talk to somebody who appear offline and not bother talking to me.
Mobile = NO! She's not worth it.
She doesn't leave me facebook messages and I don't see any point in leaving her any facebook messages. --> You get what you give.

AND IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO SAY, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE THE FIRST MOVE"
Sure, I have made the first move many times, actually too many times.
Now, it just seems as if I'm a needy person and I constantly talk to my friends because I have nothing else to do.

Making the first move only works for a certain amount of time before the person gives up.
I'm over trying to make conversation with people over the internet with the exception of a few people. I love you guys! Apart from those people, I see no point in trying to engage in a dull conversation with anybody else.


What are the advantages of playing mind games?
-Getting a rep--> "bitch"
-Kills a lot of time for all those losers with no life.
-Getting hurt, if that's what you like
-Hurting people and looking like a victim

What are the disadvantages of playing mind games?
-After a while, people do see through your fakeness
-lose friends
-when you realise it's all in your head and you're the only player
-just shows how sad and pathetic you are or you're becoming


FRIENDS!
Seriously, girls having friend must be a joke for some.
Friends are the people who know you the best and are the people who know how to hurt you the best.--> ok that didn't really make sense but you know what I'm trying to say. =D

I must admit I tend to trust guys more in comparison to girls.
In my experience, guys are not more outgoing, they're more direct and no vicious mind games.
Guys are also more reliable because they don't spread whatever I bitch about.
I suppose that's because they don't remember what I bitch about half the time. BONUS!


However, I'm not saying my best friends are only guys. I still have best friends which are girls. I love you girls!

In conclusion,
being a girl sucks because you don't really have friends, vicious mind games and stupid periods!
I wish I had a penis!.. not really, they're ugly!

Will-mart vs Mel-mart

Mel-mart > Will-mart!

Holiday Season?

It is finally December, the long awaited month.
As a kid, I often looked forward to the holiday season.
I love this time of year because of the presents and the good Christmas cartoons.
As I experience more Christmases, I start to become bitter.
With each passing year I begin to realise once again I'm still lonely
and I have not done much in the past 365 days.

This year I begin to witness this not only affects myself.
The holiday season is a time when we as a community should be preparing to celebrate.
This holiday season I've seen friendship breaking up, many tears shed and seen some friends slip into depression.
Perhaps we're all feeling the pinch of trying to be happy?

How do things get out of hand?
Why do people slip into depression during the holiday season?

Morning Tears

Status: Tired and a bit emotional. Ate breakfast, first time in ages.
Song: Dai Wo Zou by Rainie Yang
Note: Sorry, if this isn't punctuated. I'm aware this will drive some insane.

Blog Entry:

Last night, got off the phone and I've calm down a fair bit.
Couldn't sleep
Every time, I walk. I walk alone.
I love you and you say I hate you that cuts my heart.
If loving you is such a pain then I'll stop showing it.
Perhaps, you may want to stop loving me.

I'm so used to not depending on people.
I've grown used to solving problems myself.
I knew from the very beginning this will be hard.
This was an opportunity to allow myself to rely on somebody
to let go of my fears.
I took this opportunity not to challenge myself,
to allow myself to love and be loved.

I've love you a lot and many times more then myself.
I can trust you on somethings however, I can't completely trust you.
I've trust you more then anybody in this solar system.
Perhaps, you don't know.
I'm sorry for making it seem as if I don't trust you.

Every time, somebody told me to trust them.
As stupid as I am, I do trust them and I've always end up paying the price.
I fear, perhaps this time I won't lose a part of me; I'll lose myself completely.

Your words have affected me deeply.
I have a horrible memory however, your words simply stick into my head.
I value your words the most.

There's a lot of things I can tell you about myself.
I guess, you won't be interested now.
I'm sorry for all the disagreements.
I'm sorry for not being good enough.
I'm sorry for all the times, I got mad.
I'm sorry for all the times, you wish you were somewhere else.
I'm sorry for making this hard for you.
I'm sorry for lying about Andrew.
I'm sorry for all the times, I've kept you up.
I'm sorry for not being nice enough.
I'm sorry for all the times, I don't trust you.
I'm sorry for all the times I got jealous.

My biggest regrets have been...
I'm sorry for telling you that I loved you.
I'm sorry for loving you and putting you through pain.

My Wet Pillow

In this world, I am lonely.
The darkness offers come brightness.
Staying up past bed time, listening to sad break up songs.
Anger felt towards fairy tales with a happy ending.
Why was everything so perfect?
I'm in love with you
and as a result I am cut open.
When the songbirds wake she shall sleep
until then the tears shall be running down her face and listening to sad melodies.
She writes about her despair this is clearly another cliche story.
The writting becomes messier
I loved him even when he told me it was impossible.
I loved him every time we fought
I loved him every time we broke up
What makes you think I don't love him this time?
I can't sleep.
Love me don't leave me, I don't want to listen to your excuses
You tell me don't worry you'll just have nightmares.
How lucky are you? As least you can sleep.
The small things are like hurdles.
it might not seem like much
however, in the long run it will cause fatigue.
Our passion was great and it ended abruptly.
Done within a hour faster then giving birth.
My room is a mess and so am I.
Contemplating whether to press the green button or not.
Love is not a victory match, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

The line is broken: HELLO!

I love you: go to sleep.

Cold,flat and angry words flows out.

I love you.