Bitter Depression

I wrote this story a few months ago, I never realised how much this story means to me. Perhaps, this story offers an insight into my character.

Irony: Some people spend their whole life trying to find their source of happiness, however, little do they know, happiness comes from their heart.

“BEEP!” “BEEP!” There goes my alarm on this depressingly cold winter morning. Every morning I wake up to a dead and lifeless house, there’s no green plants lurking around, no annoying song birds chirping in the morning and everything is quiet. Silence isn’t the key to happiness; I’m still on my mission to save myself and to find my happiness. I’ve been on this mission for years.

I once thought the reason for my unhappiness was my family. A mother, who doesn’t speak proper English; she constantly screams and nags. A mother, who nags you for everything that is imperfect about her life, complains about the state of the house and blames you for all the misfortunes that occur in her life. A father who is a coward - he hides his thoughts, fearing the consequences of revealing his thoughts and constantly fails to see faults in his wife. A father, who is a great husband, however, he is a horrible father. A sister who is too obsessed with her perfectly manicured nails, she fails to see that there’s more to life then her manicure. A family with completely different personalities, a family unit that is too dysfunctional to function.

“OUCH!” I just burnt my finger using this old kettle. If William was here, he would have given me an icepack. William was my ex boyfriend, I broke up with him because he was clearly out of my league. He loved me too much, he cared for me too much and I was constantly insecure. However, there were many things in our relationship that prevented us to be together. I miss his tender touch and how he would whisper soft and sweet words into my ear and how he would sneak up on me. For once in my life, I found somebody I love but I ruined it. The long and enduring fights that went on, how I wanted him to find somebody better and I always found faults in him.

“Oh no,” It’s eight; I’ll be late for work. Another day of the same old same, a job where no changes take place and everything repeats itself. Every morning I question my purpose in life. Every morning I come to the same conclusion, I am here to live. I start to see my mission to save her (my) world. I’m slowly sinking into misery and depression. I currently have nothing to live for.

*BANG!* A quick white light flashed before me. I wake up, white cotton bandages are around my forehead, and plaster covered both my arms and legs and I wore a neck-brace to keep my neck straight. This is definitely an awkward position to be in. The man, wearing a white laboratory coat came into the room. Dr Kew informed me, what happened, what’s happening and what will happen. Dr Kew, said bones in my arm and leg are broken and they’ll heal. I can resume my normal every day activities. However, they one thing that will change is I will not be able to walk due to a spinal injury.

How can anybody be happy when they find out they will spend the rest of their life in a wheel chair? I’ve decided to quit my job in fear of embarrassment, I didn’t inform my family about my condition, I knew that they wouldn’t give a rats and I don’t have any friends who I can talk to.
I was doing this alone, I spent many hours crying and sobbing. I felt sorry for myself, I’ve tried starving myself to control parts of my life, I’ve tired inflicting pain on myself and I’ve tried to end my life but I couldn’t do it. I was a complete coward. Eventually, my days became weeks and the weeks become months since I left the house. My food supply was running low; I needed to visit the supermarket. I gathered up all my courage and I decided to leave the house to buy some food.

A young man approached me, “Are you Emily?” I replied yes, my name is Emily. “How did you know my name?”
“My name is Billy; I’m your younger brother.”
“Mum, dad, older sister and William talk a lot about you. However, they never mentioned you were disabled”
“Let me guess, mum kept telling you, I’ve been a bad kid. Dad probably didn’t say anything and agreed with mum, older sister thought I was annoying and leaving the house was for the best and William probably talked about how stupid I’ve been.”
“Emily, how can you think those things? Mum has praying for a long time for you to return home, dad’s mental state is deteriorating because he regrets not being a better father, older sister has tried long and hard trying to locate you and William, he helps older sister, he has been crying since the day you left.”
Was Billy telling the truth? How does he know such much about my past?

I woke up back in the hospital again, this time Dr Kew delivered more bad news. Due to my poor diet and lack of sunlight, I was diagnosed with cancer in the last stage. I only had a month to live. After, I received the bad news, I received visitors, and it was my mother, father, sister, brother and William. My family hugged me and apologised for all their mistakes and I never realised much they once loved me. I failed to see their affection but now I can see their affection clearly. My family supported me mentally through to my final days.

“Emily, I know you don’t have long to live but you’re the best thing that has happened to me. I’ve missed you dearly. Emily, would you take my hand in marriage?”

Dear William, I loved you very much. My heart belongs to you. I don’t have long to live so I’ve decided you’ll need to forget about me and start a new life.

“William, I love you dearly but I wouldn’t accept your offer. I’ll be gone soon, you’ll need to forget about me and start over again.”

My final words:
“I’ve spent my whole life trying to find happiness; in the end I’m dissatisfied. Happiness comes within ones self. Happiness is the light in a dark room, the light that guides us throughout life. When the light becomes dim, reignite the light yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Just don’t waste your life, like I did.”