Christmas pain

Many times I've been told I'm pessimistic, in fact, I wasn't that way to begin.
Today is Christmas.

I looked forward to Christmas this year because I finally have somebody there for me.
Sadly, things didn't go according to plan. We only talked for a bit and parted our ways. Now, he's out and I'm here writting this blog entry. I would trade all my presents to spend time with him, sadly, that won't happen.

Another highlight of Christmas is the annual Boxing Day Sales. I asked a few people in advance if they would like to join me at the Boxing Day Sales and sadly, nobody could come. I know, I'm not cool enough. Now, I feel stupid. Correction, I am stupid.

Maybe the lesson is never try to plan outings because nobody comes when I ask.
I'm sick of being rejected and I don't have the courage to ogranise any events anymore.

The lessons I've learnt today are nobody can always be there for you and just because it's Christmas it doesn't give you immunity to pain.

Sometimes I wish I had a penis!

Girl Pains
Every month or whenever my menstrual cycle decides to kick in, I experience painful cramps.
If I was a boy, I wouldn't have cramps.

I'm a very self conscious person and I become paranoid easily.
Whenever I have my drags, every so often I will check if it has leaked and if I still concerned, I will ask friends to check.

Whenever, I have my rags, I carry more than enough pads and I wouldn't need to do this if I was a boy!


Girl's mind games

I currently attend an all girls school to my dislike.
Our school is a real life reenactment of the movie "Mean Girls".
However, unlike "Mean Girls" we have school uniform, no boys and no Queen Bee--> Thank God.
I'm sick of playing mind games. I attend school to learn and not to fall victim of vicious mind games.

I'm a strong believer of if you have something to say.. SAY IT TO MY FACE AND DON'T GO BACKSTABBING/ BITCHING ABOUT ME!

Sadly, most girls don't follow the golden rule.

Why do girls have to play mind games?
My guess is it gives them a sense of superficial superiority.
Hun, sadly it's all in your head.


For example,
Recently, I was accused of giving somebody the silent treatment.

Firstly, I can't be stuffed and I have better things to do with my time.
Secondly, that's a childish game and I only use the silent treatment on my bf when I'm mad at him and he falls every time. I love you honey!

Anyways, back on topic.
The person who accused me was my friend.
=o no surprise there, I must admit.

We're on break now and I haven't seen in since last two Fridays ago, if I remember correctly.
I can only talk to her over msn, mobile or facebook.
Whenever she signs online, she appears offline.--> as if I'm going to talk to somebody who appear offline and not bother talking to me.
Mobile = NO! She's not worth it.
She doesn't leave me facebook messages and I don't see any point in leaving her any facebook messages. --> You get what you give.

AND IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO SAY, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE THE FIRST MOVE"
Sure, I have made the first move many times, actually too many times.
Now, it just seems as if I'm a needy person and I constantly talk to my friends because I have nothing else to do.

Making the first move only works for a certain amount of time before the person gives up.
I'm over trying to make conversation with people over the internet with the exception of a few people. I love you guys! Apart from those people, I see no point in trying to engage in a dull conversation with anybody else.


What are the advantages of playing mind games?
-Getting a rep--> "bitch"
-Kills a lot of time for all those losers with no life.
-Getting hurt, if that's what you like
-Hurting people and looking like a victim

What are the disadvantages of playing mind games?
-After a while, people do see through your fakeness
-lose friends
-when you realise it's all in your head and you're the only player
-just shows how sad and pathetic you are or you're becoming


FRIENDS!
Seriously, girls having friend must be a joke for some.
Friends are the people who know you the best and are the people who know how to hurt you the best.--> ok that didn't really make sense but you know what I'm trying to say. =D

I must admit I tend to trust guys more in comparison to girls.
In my experience, guys are not more outgoing, they're more direct and no vicious mind games.
Guys are also more reliable because they don't spread whatever I bitch about.
I suppose that's because they don't remember what I bitch about half the time. BONUS!


However, I'm not saying my best friends are only guys. I still have best friends which are girls. I love you girls!

In conclusion,
being a girl sucks because you don't really have friends, vicious mind games and stupid periods!
I wish I had a penis!.. not really, they're ugly!

Will-mart vs Mel-mart

Mel-mart > Will-mart!

Holiday Season?

It is finally December, the long awaited month.
As a kid, I often looked forward to the holiday season.
I love this time of year because of the presents and the good Christmas cartoons.
As I experience more Christmases, I start to become bitter.
With each passing year I begin to realise once again I'm still lonely
and I have not done much in the past 365 days.

This year I begin to witness this not only affects myself.
The holiday season is a time when we as a community should be preparing to celebrate.
This holiday season I've seen friendship breaking up, many tears shed and seen some friends slip into depression.
Perhaps we're all feeling the pinch of trying to be happy?

How do things get out of hand?
Why do people slip into depression during the holiday season?

Morning Tears

Status: Tired and a bit emotional. Ate breakfast, first time in ages.
Song: Dai Wo Zou by Rainie Yang
Note: Sorry, if this isn't punctuated. I'm aware this will drive some insane.

Blog Entry:

Last night, got off the phone and I've calm down a fair bit.
Couldn't sleep
Every time, I walk. I walk alone.
I love you and you say I hate you that cuts my heart.
If loving you is such a pain then I'll stop showing it.
Perhaps, you may want to stop loving me.

I'm so used to not depending on people.
I've grown used to solving problems myself.
I knew from the very beginning this will be hard.
This was an opportunity to allow myself to rely on somebody
to let go of my fears.
I took this opportunity not to challenge myself,
to allow myself to love and be loved.

I've love you a lot and many times more then myself.
I can trust you on somethings however, I can't completely trust you.
I've trust you more then anybody in this solar system.
Perhaps, you don't know.
I'm sorry for making it seem as if I don't trust you.

Every time, somebody told me to trust them.
As stupid as I am, I do trust them and I've always end up paying the price.
I fear, perhaps this time I won't lose a part of me; I'll lose myself completely.

Your words have affected me deeply.
I have a horrible memory however, your words simply stick into my head.
I value your words the most.

There's a lot of things I can tell you about myself.
I guess, you won't be interested now.
I'm sorry for all the disagreements.
I'm sorry for not being good enough.
I'm sorry for all the times, I got mad.
I'm sorry for all the times, you wish you were somewhere else.
I'm sorry for making this hard for you.
I'm sorry for lying about Andrew.
I'm sorry for all the times, I've kept you up.
I'm sorry for not being nice enough.
I'm sorry for all the times, I don't trust you.
I'm sorry for all the times I got jealous.

My biggest regrets have been...
I'm sorry for telling you that I loved you.
I'm sorry for loving you and putting you through pain.

My Wet Pillow

In this world, I am lonely.
The darkness offers come brightness.
Staying up past bed time, listening to sad break up songs.
Anger felt towards fairy tales with a happy ending.
Why was everything so perfect?
I'm in love with you
and as a result I am cut open.
When the songbirds wake she shall sleep
until then the tears shall be running down her face and listening to sad melodies.
She writes about her despair this is clearly another cliche story.
The writting becomes messier
I loved him even when he told me it was impossible.
I loved him every time we fought
I loved him every time we broke up
What makes you think I don't love him this time?
I can't sleep.
Love me don't leave me, I don't want to listen to your excuses
You tell me don't worry you'll just have nightmares.
How lucky are you? As least you can sleep.
The small things are like hurdles.
it might not seem like much
however, in the long run it will cause fatigue.
Our passion was great and it ended abruptly.
Done within a hour faster then giving birth.
My room is a mess and so am I.
Contemplating whether to press the green button or not.
Love is not a victory match, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

The line is broken: HELLO!

I love you: go to sleep.

Cold,flat and angry words flows out.

I love you.

Hate Mc Cafe!

I hate Mc Cafe it's Mc sucks a lot and wanna be Gloria Jeans.
The first time I had Mc Cafe sucked!
I had a chilled white chocolate mocha and it sucked!
Couldn't taste the white chocolate and couldn't taste the coffee.
It just was cold sugary water. *mad*

I went to Mc Cafe because it was the closest place to get coffee.
I ordered a white chocolate mocha.
I took a sip of my drink and it was sugary white chocolate.
When I got back to school, I thought the mocha tasted funny, however,
I was stupid enough to finish the whole thing.

After I finished the drink, I was left with horrible coffee after taste.
Before the exam, my stomach wasn't feeling well and I just thought it was just
exam butterflies. It was after all a year 12 exam so I just ignored it.

During the exam my stomach started to hurt and so I went to the toilet.
I'll spare you the details of what happened in the toilet.
Now, my stomach still hurts and I WILL NEVER EVER BUY ANY DRINKS FROM MC CAFE
and I believe it should change its name to MC SUCKS A LOT AT COFFEE!

The City I Live In

A picture can paint a thousand words,
No amount of words can begin to describe the love I have towards the city I live in.
A place where you are able to experience four seasons within a day.
A few kilometer away from the heart of the central business district,
many wonderful beaches are located.



The smell of fish and chips linger in the air.



The cries of the seagulls are heard.




The taste of the salty water



Under the Summer Sun




Public Displays

Messed Up Thoughts on Wednesday Night

Sometimes we set up landmines to harm others, once the war is over, we
end up hurting ourselves.

I can't make somebody stay if they don't want to nor, am I going to convince them.

In life, there are somethings we can't forgive and forget.

Every thought, every dream, every sense causes pain.

Dried lips

Started off on the wrong side

paralysed within a thought

forgotten and deceased like the dodo bird

A Meaningful Life

Wake up when the sun rise, another day ahead.
My hair is wild and shall be tamed with my brush.
Another brush is used to tame my teeth
The timekeeper yells, keys are picked up and my presence leaves the room.
As I leave, I’m leaving behind many opportunities.
Must learn to accept, many opportunities shall not be lost today,
Some can be controlled others many not.
Another day, another adventure, another time to fly and another time to cry
The black clouds surround me as I enter a new space.
I chose to ignore the black clouds and colour them white.
A sense of satisfaction gained from modifying the painting.
Every stroke, every colour, has a meaning, a purpose for being and other emotion expressed.
Slowly, the painting is almost finished and once completed the painting is either displayed and remembered or it is forgotten and left to weather.

Bad Cook, Good Songs, The Right Thing and Decisions

Bad Cook
I am a horrible cook. I managed to burn noodles.
I forgot to stir the noodles so they stuck to the bottle of the pan.
Oh great, at this rate, I'll be eating burnt food for the rest of my life.
One reason why I should marry a cook so he can cook for me and no more
eating burnt food.

Good Songs
Music plays an important part in some of our lives.
I am aware a musician's life is music, I am not a musician myself
however, I do often listen to music.
I listen to music when I'm upset or when I'm happy
and I often have songs stuck in my head.

I am also aware that music lovers have different preferences in music.
I prefer soft ballads and every now and then something else.
I find it hard to labelling whether a song is good or bad.
My definition of a good song isn't one which is often played over the radio,
nor a popular new released song released by the hottest artist.

My definition of a good song is which which is timeless and we often refer back
to the song at different points in time.

I'm not trying to say all good songs are new or vice versa,
my definition of a good song is one with a purpose;
this purpose maybe to cheer you up or make you cry harder.

The Right Thing
I'm a stubborn person myself and I am guilty of being a goodie myself.
I strive to do the right thing whatever it may be.
Recently, I faced a dilemma.
I knew that telling that somebody special that I did not love him anymore
will mean no relationship in the future.
I knew deep down inside, making him stay means he'll be spending a lot,
I am also aware that if he talks to me, he'll be missing out on his studying
time; a very busy man.
I thought that by telling him, I no longer love him, it'll fix problems.
However, this is untrue.
If I told him, I no longer love him that meant I had to keep my feelings bottled up.
No more tender words and no more hope for a future together.
This is hard.

While, I was busy lying to him, I was knitting.
I continued knitting his scarf which meant I do really want a future with him.
I still loved him.

Stuck

Why does something which is so right feels so wrong?

As my writing idol said maybe it isn't right.
A very simple phrase, with a great effect.
woah, maybe what I'm doing isn't right.

Decisions
We make decisions every day ranging from life altering ones through to mundane ones.
Recently, I finalised my subjects for my final year of high school.
However, I also made amendments to my subjects.
I decided that I should consider continuing on with the hardest maths.
I'm not a straight A+ nor A student in that subject however, I am trying to improve my marks. There are improvements grade wise within that subject.
However, I've been feeling more edgy. I often worry that I'll fail the maths test
however, in semester one I never worried about the mark I got. I only started studying properly for maths a week before exams however, this did not help.
so back on topic, I decided to keep up with this maths.
I am the road ahead will be rocky, many chances where I may fall off the cliff however, I shall pick myself up and try again.
I thought about it, if the teacher says I'm capable of doing it next year, why not?
Another point, if I don't do it next year, I may regret this decision for the rest of my life.
Even if I perform badly in this subject but if I worked my heart out and put in my all that I should be content for I have tried.
I think it's better to know then to not know.

In summary, life is just a roller coaster with its highs and lows.
Love is rare, whenever you have found it cherish it.
In life many opportunities are presented in front of us,
we many success or we many fail whatever the outcome may be,
all we can do it our best.
Ciao until next time.

Time is ticking

Time is ticking and it's slowly ticking away.

A month ago, we started off as friends however, today we plan to spend more time in the future together.
Spending every possible moment of my life with that special somebody.
Planning a future with that somebody special.
Along the way, growing, strengthening, loving, sharing and most importantly loving.
To miss somebody even though you are with them.
To love somebody without physically meeting them.
To convey your love through another medium
The reason for my happiness.


A month ago, we started off as friends however, today I have nothing to say to you.
A tight knit friendship bond, where I saw you every single day.
In a time, where dramas and problems never existed.
Now, the only thing that exist is drama.
Lost all my respect from knowing about the truth you tried so hard to cover up.
You have urged us to trust you, however, you have told us nothing but lies.
How can you trust somebody who lies to you?
You complain that we remain distant, however, you fail to share your life with us.
All you share with us are your lies.

Within a month, many incidents occur, some for the best and others for the worst.
Thus, causes changes in our lives. Life is full of ups and downs, however despite
the highs and lows, time is still ticking away.

Happy Moments!

1. The day I found out little piggy loves me.
2. We all go nuts for nuts! *teacher walks past*
3. Getting a teddy bear from that special some one.
4. A simple text message

10 Reasons why guys won't like me

1. I'm too fat

2. I'm not smart enough


3. I am annoying


4. I don't make sense


5. I no speak da English


6. I'm not pretty enough


7. I hide too much... too shy


8. I have a habit of making excuses



9. The guys I like, don't like me


10. guys don't like me

That's my ten reasons why guys don't like me.

Words

So simple.
Form of communication.
The source of laughter, pain, hatred, war and love.
Letters create words, position of the letters change words and their meaning.
Sentences = many words grouped together.
used to desribe any events
OUR WORDS ARE OUR WORLD!

Fan Fiction

I love reading fan fictions because are awesome. However, some authors try to retell a movie and they lack originality. There are so many fan fiction about love and celebrities, I wish to read more about adventure, life journey or an epic.

I've got nothing compared to you

Let's all face it, there's a point in everybody's life when we start to realise we've got nothing.
There's somebody out there who's hotter and smarter then you.
Then you try to reason, maybe you've got more supportive friends.
Stop fooling yourself. You know she's better then you in every way possible and you have nothing compared to her.

You try hard pretending your life is better compared to her but honestly, your life smells.

She makes you look like a stupid fool at whatever you attempt.
She's there to steal your thunder, she's better then you in fields which make you unique.
She likes the same boy as you, he likes her more then you.
She's wealthy off, she and her family never has to worry about money flow.
You bust your bottom off, trying to improve and you're only 10% of what she is.
You pretend that more people like you but honestly, everybody will chose her over you.
Therefore, you suck!
You're shit, you got nothing compared to her.

Public Transport

Over the past 5 months, I've spent almost a hundred dollars on public transport; approx. 20 dollars per month. The down side is I don't use public transport on a daily basics.

Another annoying thing is buses are never on time. I'm late for work because they either come too early or they are too late.

A one way ticket within my local area is enough to buy 2 cans of coke.

The reason why I can't save is because I use public transport. *mad*

That's it to save money, I'll stop use public transport. The only time I would use public transport is when I need to catch a train apart from that, I'm walking.

Quicky Update

*P.S This entry was suppose to be posted on Weds 14th of May

well I know nobody reads my blog expect maybe 1 person but that's because I make that person read it.



Wednesday 14th of May.

Today there are at least 2 people living in my local area who are celebrating their birthday. It's amazing, one year has past yet it seems as if little has been achieved. However, I have grown in more ways since last year. I would like to share a poem I wrote about a year ago.



Falling Out of Love



It’s times like these you know that you just have to leave.

No point in continuing to pursue a relationship that just won’t work no matter how hard you try and all the effort you put in.

It may seem like I am giving up but actually I am accepting that this won’t work.

The longer I allow myself to love you, the longer I will have to endure the heartache and disappointment.

I am not going to cry because I don’t have you.

I will smile for I have met some one like you.

My days from this point won’t be a fabulous as it used to be however over time it will improve.

I might never find a boy like you but I am determined to find one that loves me more than you. In my heart that’s where you shall be just like all the other boys I have loved before you.

The only thing that I will keep from this relationship is all the times we spent together.

All the smiles, laughter, tears and heartache will one day seem like a lifetime ago from today.

Our relationship will not end with a tear or a goodbye.

Our relationship will end when we both find our happiness.

Goodbye, my lover.

For I have found my happiness that is witnessing the beauties of this world.

Goodbye until we meet again.



Here's something I wrote today



A Year Ago,

Many months spent holding onto the feelings kept telling myself I should let go.

Never truly released the pain and memories until today.

Many plans constructed and many failed along the way.

Too afraid of pain, the fear held me back from restarting.

Restarting wasn't as simple as clicking a few buttons, it was learning to place memories in their rightful place and accepting the broken pieces.

A fresh start was just around the corner, neglicted, for fear was much stronger.

Another 12 months, another 52 weeks, another 356 days have past.

The numbers grow greater, the love shrinks and the distance grows greater.

Today, a year one, I have grown in many ways, too bad you couldn't see the changes.

Feeling sick without being sick

Currently I feel a tad sick however I'm not sick.

I hate being in this state. I'm starting to feel sick but I'm not sick enough to stop everything I do.
I can still get up and out of bed in the morning but somethings some parts of my body aches or flu symptoms.

When I told my friend how I'm feeling they all looked at me as if I'm a retard.

I feel sick because I don't feel 100% but I'm not sick to the point where I need to take a day off school.

sweet love or insanity?

Recently, I have expressed my interest on a boy. The boy is taller, older and stronger then I.
The boy has light brown hair which are constantly curly. His face is warmer then his heart.
All our conversations take place around the dodgy sink and are interrupted by annoying chickens.

My memory is performs as well as spiders swimming in water. I couldn't believe it when I remember the boy's mobile number off by heart. A friend of mine told me this type of behaviour is cute. I chose to differ, I believe it is, this kind of behaviour that leds people onto insanity.

Canberra Part I

Canberra



Recently, our school spent my year level to Canberra, the capital of Australia. Many believe that Australia is a rural place, I find it hard to comprehend why other would believe Australia is a rural place. After visiting the capital, I understood very well, why others believe Australia is a bush. In Canberra, the trees outnumber the population.

Prior to visiting Canberra, I believed it was a city similar to Melbourne, Sydney or even the Gold Coast, to be honestly I thought it would look a bit like New York. When I got there I was shocked, the trees clearly outnumbered the population. I thought in the CBD of Canberra, we would find some flashing neon signs or something remotely interesting.

I must admit I enjoyed the serenity of Canberra but seriously, Canberra needs to be updated. The bus driver told warned us to wake up early to avoid peak hour traffic. Dude, seriously, the cars parked outside our school cause more traffic compared to the cars in Canberra.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending endless hours outdoor but Canberra just isn't my place. I'm just a bit shocked, it's the capital of our country and it looks like small town in the country.

Spending too much time with somebody can cause a bit of tension.

I had to spend a total of four days with my five friends in the same cabin so there were six of us sharing that one bathroom and toilet, one kitchen, two bedrooms which contained 2 bunk beds and 1 double bed. Tensions started to araise on day two camp. My two friends and I, were a bit uncomfortable with one girl's attitude to our friends, to be more accurate our guy friends.

I was not upset over how she was getting very close to my closet male friend but I was a bit uneased. She was getting very close to him, she kept denying and in a way I felt I was losing a good friend. However, the actual melting point for me was when she commented that she doesn't tell me because she's scared that it might hurt me because I liked him. Seriously, I never liked him from the start and what drove me mad is she KNOWS who I like. One of my other friend felt exactly the same and she agreed with the words I said. Honestly, looking back on the tensions, it was very silly of I to voice my frustations. I believed one of my friend would help me load my gun failed to complete her duties as I prepared for combat. I was clearly screwed over.

The one thing that Canberra has taught me in terms of friendship is trust nobody. If they don't screw you over today then they'll tomorrow. We all live in a dog eat dog world and the world of friendship is no different. Sometimes our true best friend is our music devices, music shall always remain faithful to us.

MSN Rant

lol
I just realised something
?
yeah?
clichés
what?
like? lol
lol sorry
ok
Many people try to avoid using clichés and it's now at a point
where somebody says a cliché and I wouldn't realise it
therefore clichés don't always stays as clichés.
yeah
because if no one uses them
There's a point in time where new clichés are added to the list and other clichés are forgotten
they stop being chiches
*cliches
so true
rofl random thought
:$
another headache
a thought can never be random
true
I'm ranting again
you’re not
your expressing thoughts =)
lol yeah
Life is not depressing
it's not fun
life is whatever
life is life
*nods*
some people chose to live by making more money
others try to avoid money and try to find true happiness
omg! the word true
hm?
some say nothing is ever true
*nods*
Everything in our world is bias
nobody ever gets to see the whole pictures
nobody ever gets to see the truth
example
Ni slapped me.
Observers will see Nikki slap me
but they don't see the underlying reason
N slapped you?
for example
oh ok lol
lol
yeah that’s true
From observers to understand the situation
They’ll have to hear our stories.
yeah
that’s where story telling comes in
not just pictured
*pictured
our story will be bias and will be interpreted differently
*pictures LOL
lol
Diamonds!
Diamonds/ lasting forever/ truth
people say diamonds last forever
I chose to have a different opinion.
what do you choose
nothing last forever so how come diamonds last forever
plus diamonds were once dead animals--> coal --> diamond
see dead animals don't last forever
coal don't remain as coal forever
so why should diamonds?
oh.
never thought of that
lol
God, I'm ranting
no youre thinking i guess lol
too much
im playing chicktionary
and i need a 6 letter word
with the letters r s e t m a h
rofl
this is what happens when your brain goes idle for a week
actually for a while now
welcome back brain
LOL =D
Anyways, I feel like continuing :$
another thing
people in general should not stay things they don't mean
How many times have we all heard this phrase in our life?
" I'll always be there for you"
some try to add the cherry on top by saying " no matter what"
You're there for me now
but when things really begin to seriously fall apart
and you're too busy with other things
you start to forget the words you're said
yeah
People are only temporary.
moods as well =]
more like
yes, I'm there for you when I'm not busy
hm
and when I have nothing to worry about myself
=='
sometimes friends are just as shift as family members
family conflict attracts everybody
bringing everybody down
its sad but a fact
the taking sides and the whole word spreading
word spreading = spreading depressing
Come to Red Rooster, here you can buy your free depression.
?
with ever purchase
lol I'm not making sense
sometimes I think everything is a joke
love
makes you see people in a different lights
maybe it is
maybe you just have to laugh
lol *nods*
love is a chemical imbalance and eventually it leds to a mental illness
an illness where you commence to rely on others, change your ways and develop new desires
too true!!!!1
Once you have love in your life
some start to achieve less
for example, when you're fed and happy
you don't really try to find more food
you don't need it
this example is like achieving your goals
yeah.
food = goals
Some people are just power sucking whores
The strong ones are those who don't hate these power sucking whores
they make them believe they are controlling them but in reality the power sucking whores are NOT controlling them
passive aggressive
oh
some power sucking whores are just so blind to see
there are still people out there who are passive aggressive
Passive aggressive people might not like them but they believe they do because they don't try to fight back
Emo
There are some anti emo who just hate the idea that emos exist
My view is get off there backs
It's their live so let them live that way
yes.
=D
love emos
rofl
I feel sorry.. maybe sad for people who are always happy
always pretend to be happy
they have a lot of burden
Have to pretend to everybody and including themselves that everything is alright
One day it'll explode
yeah it annoys me too
=)
=]
Smile life can be worse
What on earth can a smile achieve
some smiles make people more bitter
thinking damn it I'm smiling but I'm not feeling any better
there's no real connection between a smile and being happy
smile is a physical facial expression that carries out no meaning at all
being happy is something more deep

the so called "break"

There's no such thing as a break. We're on our so callled "Easter Break", I fail to call it a break because we still get massive amount of homework from each subject, still have to work at my part time job and life still continues.

There's no such thing as a break for students, they still get homework from their teachers. Stop calling it a break because it is clearly not a break and call it 2 weeks off school + homework.

"I'll be there for you, if you need me."
How come everything I turn around you're not there.
Yes, you're physically there but not mentally.

"I'm sorry dear, I'm just really busy."
screw you! You're there when I don't need you anymore and you're only there if you're not busy.
You pretend too much. I'm leaving this, I'm out of there.

I'm planning to move out, restart my life. At a place, where I don't know anybody and nobody knows me. I'm sick of feeling oblige to attend parties because I have to, not because I want.
I'm sick of being that loser who sits in the corner and does nothing.

Don't say things you don't mean

People around me constantly tell me, "I'm there whenever you need me" and I'm stupid enough to believe that. Deep down inside I hope maybe he or she is the true friend that I have tried so hard looking for.

However, when I do need them, sometimes they're physically with me and other times not even there at all. When this happens my heart breaks. You lied to me and I can't believe I actually believed you.

I'm starting to feel like me again. I'm starting to not trust others and I'm starting to keep things to myself. I don't feel like I'm living a lonely life because I've chosen this path. I chose to spend majority of my time alone. I think from now on, I'm gonna become a workaholic and spend majority of my time alone.

Melting but not dissolved

Lately, I've been running around like a chicken. Everyday I wake up at 6am and sleep around midnight. I know there are others out there who start each day with less then 6 hours sleep.
I've been doing this for 7 days a week and I'm starting to feel the side effects of reducing my sleep.

My pile to things to do never seen to stop. I worry over my future, I worry over not completing my homework, I worry over my grades and I worry over the simple little things.

I don't want to tell others how I feel because I believe things can just work out and I can get above things.

Second Week

This is the second week back to school, I'm struggling to complete homework.
The work isn't that hard, there's more to do and little home.
I'm need more time so I am able to complete my homework.

A few days ago, I broke down. The stress was catching up to me, I would start doing homework around 4/ 5 and work up until midnight. I would wake up 7 in the morning just rechecking my work and going over the final touches.

Change of topic:
I want a good digital camera, I want to persue my interest in photography.

Hours until Depression

It's currently 4 mins until the 1st of Feb.
The 1st of Feb is a very important date for myself.

In a few hours, I'll commence my junior education.
I'll also be commencing the final stages of my highschool education.

I've have been dreading this day for the past 4 years of my life and now it has caught up to me.
I have many fears, I final if I don't do see well in the next 2 years of my life, I'll be jeopardising my future.

Currently, I see no hope for me doing well in school. I lack a lot of confidence in everything I do.
I fail to see my strength, I only see weakness in myself.

Maybe I'm just one super depressed student who's being too hard on themselves.

I work part time at a local fast food joint and I give up my time everyweek for a family runned business above that I participate in many various extra curriulum activtives, I play my favourite sport and increasing my stress level I attend language school.

I am aware I have a hand full of things to do but giving up is so hard. Saying no is every hard when you love everything that you do.

Actually, saying no isn't that hard.

Tonight at work, a co worker approached me and informed me that he told a friend of my that I like him. The truth is, I don't like, never did and never will. He's not a bad person, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, does well in school and caring. The problem is I just don't have those feelings for him or any boy.

Pretty much everybody I know is either crushing, loving (taken) or looking for somebody. I feel like the odd ball. I can understand why people fall in love and form relationships. Others don't understand you don't feel a man/ girl in your life to be better off and also some others don't understand I'm not interested in anybody and that I don't want and don't need to be in a relationship.

I believe relationships are great until they start to fall apart. Besides, teenage crushes/ dating don't usually last long so save the tears, fears and money until when you're old enough to appreciate being in a relationship, your man/ girl and you're mature enough.

I've been at this post for the past 10 mins. I think I should get some rest because I have a long and hard day before me tomorrow.

Thank you for spending your time in reading a ridiculously long post.
P.S Don't be afraid of commenting. I love feedback and comments.